She’d Prefer a Hard Drive

I prepared my first PowerPoint presentation on how our office could improve our recycling program. As I presented it to my fellow employees, I used a laser to point at the list of recyclables as I read aloud the first two items: paper clips and and floppy dicks. (New Orleans, 1990)

~Anonymous

Learning to Drive Stick

My high school girlfriend and I discovered that because of the height of a Volkswagen van’s steering wheel she could sit on my lap, facing forward, and we could have sex while I drove. We searched for bumpy streets for extra thrust. (1971, Long Beach, California)

~Tom Bentley

Just in Case

I keep one single revolver loaded with one single bullet at all times. Just in case things get real fucked up. I wish I could say that revolver’s not on my mind at all times.

~James Patrick

Withering Heights

I was rowing on the lake. A man popped up on the shore, waggling his red, erect penis. He wanted me to feel afraid, to cry out, to cover my eyes. Instead, I pointed and laughed. Angry, he shook it harder, screaming, “Look at it!” But It was now withered and dusky like late-summer grass.

~Amy Armatis

Something in the Oven

We threw a bake sale. A kid passing by asked what it was for, and we said we were trying to raise enough money to get a friend an abortion. He left without saying anything. He came back with $100. We don’t know who he was. (College student union, Illinois)

~Anonymous

My Life Flashed Before Me

Watching a 60 Minutes piece on “Patient Zero,” the gay flight attendant many think started the global spread of HIV because of his travels, good looks, and hundreds of sex partners. When Mike Wallace finally flashed his picture on the screen, I recognized him as the man who picked me two nights before.

~Richard S. Ferri

Please Don’t Ask Me About the Weather

“Utah is nice Mom, yeah. I have a roommate, and school is going well. How’s everything back home?” I tell my mother over the phone. Funny thing is, I live two blocks down from her place, while she believes I’m three states away.

~Scarlette

From Ecstasy to Agony

During a moment of infidelity in the family car, the woman straddling me accidentally hit my phone and dialed my wife. The pain came when I realized her phone was on speakerphone, and my young daughters heard everything.

~Randolph Johnson

The Smartest Person in the Room

Waiting room. Shell-shocked parents of squirming children with Down’s, Autism, Cerebral Palsy. I’m only here to help my kid to talk. A door opens, and a small, scarred face appears. Everyone looks away. No one speaks. Then my son hands him a toy.

~Mary Anne Balmuth

Working Under Hef

As a massage therapist at a 5-star spa, I exchanged hellos with a beautiful woman who said she lived at the Playboy mansion. “Oh really,” I said. “What do you do there?” She just looked at me. (The Catamaran Spa, San Diego, 2007)

~Heather Cicero

Soft Serve, Hard Time

On cocaine, methadone and Xanax, I tried to rob a Dairy Queen with a BB-gun while an off-duty cop was at the counter, ordering a Peanut Buster Parfait. The Great Dairy Queen Robbery got me a 16-year sentence, seven of which I served. (Westminster, Colorado, Jan. 15, 1995)

~Dan Mage

I Gave Him His Birthday Present Last Night

I stayed over at this guy’s house one night. The next morning, bright and early, three people burst through his bedroom door, singing and carrying a birthday cake. They looked at me and one of them said to him, “I guess it’s good we didn’t bring your mom.” (Oberlin College, Spring of 1994)

~Diana Huntress